Every time I jot down a fun or challenging or uplifting post idea, the second guessing begins. Who could be offended by this? Who might take my words wrong accidentally? Who might take my words and twist them on purpose? No one is safe. If people are being mean and rude to the Chewbacca Mom of all people, then who in the world is safe??
Famous? Well known, popular? I used to think it would be great. Now it is a negative and dangerous place to desire. As I type these words, I am thinking that you may be thinking I am big headed to even worry about such a possibility.
I still enjoy the writing process. I love switching this word for that word. I can get lost in exploring an entirely new way to say something. I have ideas. I will always fill journals, but have even begun wondering how to destroy that authenticity before I die.
I have thoughts, worries and fears that cannot be shared. And when I know that, it makes it difficult for me to write anything. Why add more drivel to the mess already floating around out there?
Every word I wrote in my book is true. It is not drivel. God showed me wonderful truths about Himself and about myself. But I have learned that you can conquer one or two important obstacles in your life and still be a mess. You can still be afraid. You can still be very aware that you are not an expert about anything. I told my husband the other day that I think I need to read my own book again.
I have loved the Internet. I have been seriously addicted to Facebook and Instagram. Seriously. But they no longer feel safe for my heart. You never know when some unknown person is going to be "called out" online for a few words they have posted. Jobs, lives, marriages and health have been damaged for a few stupid word choices.
I'm not leaving FB or Instagram or Twitter or..... Don't even know how to do that. I don't.
So I'm in a pickle. Right?
I am thinking/writing out loud here. Probably not a good idea. But when I feel stuck this is how I get unstuck. Writing out loud.
You do not need an answer for me. I am not asking for help. But I am just being authentic about being afraid to be authentic.
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