I’m not sure if Heaven has email, snail-mail or Internet but I’m going to send this out into the atmosphere anyway. I am missing you and that makes me feel selfish and hypocritical. Selfish because I know you are in a place that you dreamed of all your life and it is good. I feel hypocritical because when you were here and available I did not talk to you every week and our main communication became quick emails here and there.
But I always knew you were there and that I could dump my “stuff” on you, though I rarely did. Our 56 years together had the normal ups and downs of any mother-daughter relationship. Now that I have been the mom to adult age kids I have more understanding of your precarious position in our relationship. Our misunderstandings and frustrations with one another when you were in your 50’s make much more sense to me now. This spot between adult age kids and senior age parents is an odd one. I am loving it and wish we could talk about that.
I understand the little dropped comments that were your way of letting me know how you felt about something without outwardly actually saying it. Kind of makes me wonder what all you bit your tongue with and kept yourself from saying. No, I don’t really want to know!
I do know that I drove you crazy at times and I will tell you now, that you made me pretty crazy too. You made me crazy, but you also kept me sane Mom. Your prayers for me protected me all my life. I know this for a fact. You kept me sane and stable and faithful with your prayers. I miss knowing that you were talking to God about me and my family. But maybe you still are, I don’t know.
I feel like you would be proud of what I am trying to do now. You always wanted to be a writer and I have a huge pile of “How To Write A Book” books to prove it. I am trying, and thinking of you as I go. Thank you for telling me that I could do this. Thank you for the fat file of everything I have ever written that I found in your craft room. Thank you for passing some of them along to my aunts, that says a lot to me.
I love you Mom. I almost went back and was going to add “ed” to “love” but my love for you is not past tense. It is still true and I am still loving you. Thank you for still loving me.