Sunday, August 25, 2013

Writing is My Therapy....

They said the only time I'd have to be a cashier was in the holiday rush...By by!

The problem with living with an anxiety disorder or panic attacks, whichever it is...(I am self-diagnosed and mine is mild compared to so many. But bad enough to prevent me from getting a normal job that could involve driving on the freeway or handling money...both freak me out so that I cannot think rationally. I worked at Target a few years ago and quit after 2 weeks because they wanted to train me to work the cash register for the busy holidays coming up. Nope!)....it is a no-win situation. 

The only way I can be proven right or rational is if THE AWFUL thing actually happens. If we do not crash and burn on the highway, then I was being silly to jump every time we passed a big truck. If I try to talk someone I love out of doing something dangerous, the only way to be proven right is if they get hurt. 

No-win, no-win. 

Kind of like that old joke about the tombstone of the hypochondriac that states..."I TOLD you I was sick!"

In my current life season of quiet and lack of busy-ness, my mind has too much open space. It is why you will often find me writing about being the boss of your brain and the importance of taking our thoughts captive. My mind is a battle field. Joyce Meyer has written a great book on the subject, but I never made it through the whole book. 

I am trying to use this life-stage of quietness to complete a non-fiction book about each of the one-on-one God encounters I have experienced in my life that slowly convinced me of His unconditional love. The mine-field of my mind is in an odd juxtaposition to the assurance that I am striving to communicate. Does that make sense? 

This is why I know without a doubt that how we think, what we believe about ourselves and about God is no small matter. God will not "take over" my thoughts and force me to trust Him. My mind is mine to rule. I decide to either dwell on the negative and fearful thoughts of what could happen, or "pull up" and call out to HIM for help. 

Just as I lay my head on my pillow many nights, I am for a few seconds overwhelmed with a deep and stomach turning dread. It comes like a wave from head to toe and I whisper "God, help me!. Help me turn my thoughts toward you." I gather my thoughts and concentrate on the next article I need to write or the  blog post for this space. (The beginning of this post was written in my mind last night.) I will see that the clock says 2am and I ask God to please move me into sleep. He does and the next thing I know I am craving my morning coffee and ready for a new day. 

I live in a quiet house with hours and hours of solitude in which to write and be creative. But if the mind is not in an equally peaceful place, nothing is accomplished, other than  more worries and what-ifs. So once again, today I invite my Father God into my home, my mind and my day. 

I am sitting in my sunny backyard with birdsong all around me. Soft music is coming from the house and Layla is wandering the yard between nips at my hands to get me to pay her some attention. My life is lovely and good. God is here. He is as close as I will let Him be. This morning I choose thankfulness and rest. 

The simple process of writing this post has brought me from the opening lines of frustration, to a sense of peace and wellness. Writing will do that for me. God will do that for me. Thank you for listening/reading as we walk our life-pathways together. These little black marks typed out on a keyboard have lifted me today from a low place to a higher place. I hope they have moved you also. 

Happy Sunday,
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11 comments:

  1. Yes, it makes sense (in response to your question buried within your musing). The silence without, the unsilence within, the thoughts that need to be captured--to Him. The sense that THIS capturing and what HE thinks (rather than what we think) about us is where we begin, middle and end. Write on, Friend.

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    1. Thank you Jeskmom. I like HIS thoughts better than mine and I give him full credit for any of mine that sound good. Ha!

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  2. Believe it or not I understand this. I actually was awake half of the same night with you, only here on the other side of the country in a different time zone. I prayed the night through (until I finally took a benadryl...something I have been trying NOT to do lately). My anxieties may be different than yours, but they are just as real. It's so wonderful that we can take these fears to our Lord and know that He will meet us there in that place of darkness and that He will carry us safely back into the light of day and help us to get on our way again. He understands us with our feet of clay and our hearts yearning to breathe free. Thank you for putting this into words...yes, writing is our therapy...and hopefully it becomes hope and healing for others in the process. That's why we are here.

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    1. Thanks for the comment Pamela. I love to see my thoughts change from the beginning of a writing session to the end.

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  3. I understand what you go through. I, too, have had many a sleepless night and had to ask God to allow me to sleep. Writing IS a great form of therapy, it's also very affordable. God will take care of us. I have found it is a daily surrender to Him. Read Isaiah 41:10 and concentrate on the simple phrases in the passage. When I found this, I was almost to my wit's end. But I rely on what God says there, especially when I am discouraged.

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    1. Thanks for the verse suggestion, it is helpful. I posted it on the RCL Facebook page and many people LIKED it.

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  4. There is something wrong with me and I don't know how to fix me... I known this; ALL my life.
    I understand the anxiety/panic attacks. They have plagued me since I was a young boy; suicide lurks around the corner from where I live. Your Blog - and your more valuable 'gold nuggets of wisdom' are of great comfort. Please, write and publish your book! It is needed more than you know, especially since it is from your kind of personal experiences and perspective; real and genuine.
    You bring encouragement and hope to those you know and to those you don't know - only because you have not met them.
    God, "Fix me, I can't fix myself."

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    1. Hi Denver, you are new here, welcome. God is the best "Fixer" there is. He loves you more than you can grasp and when He looks at you he does not see "something wrong", He looks at you like a new parent looks at their perfect little child. He smiles when you are happy and He hurts when you feel down. You are loved by God.

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  5. I love how God can give us ways of calming our hearts and minds. As you know, we've had turmoil in our family. I've been turning to meditation in the mornings and evenings to calm my heart, body and mind. I find a thought about God or verse to dwell on, get some music going and just focus on my breathing or imagining God's very breath going in and out of me. It is hard to quite our minds and hearts. Great post, Susie.

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  6. Sometimes blogging is a lot like praying, isn't it?

    Wishing you peace always,
    Ceil

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  7. <> I get this!! The panic of driving on the freeway hit me one day 20 years ago on the New Jersey turnpike and almost crippled me from driving altogether. I still can't drive well at night or on congested roadways, but I have battled back enough to drive a highway to work...in the slow lane...away from the trucks!And my son suffers from depression and anxiety - I wrote about it here http://lakesidelessons.blogspot.com/2013/01/hope.html I am so grateful that we have the ability to turn over those fears, frustrations and anxieties to the Prince of Peace. I pray one day my son will understand he has that opportunity too. Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm beginning to think it's more common than we may realize.

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