Sunday, August 3, 2014

Random Journal Day: Sometimes God Does Not Make Sense, But that is Fine With Me!

I finally unpacked the box that contains My Precioussss.....
I am joining up with the Random Journal Blog Hop today after skipping it for a few months. (Better late than never, right Dawn?) To read other journal keeper's entries click on over HERE. Please feel free to link your own Random Journal Day post too!

My journal entry for Feb. 2, 2014...

"What kind of home do I really want in TX? It's been hard to answer this question because Hubs wants NO yard work at all. No mowing, trimming or weed fighting. I want room for Layla and some kind of access to a pool. 
So this has led us to small condos in senior living type places. Some are cute, but most are ugh!
What I really want is a normal size house with low-maintenance yards or a place that cares for the yards for you. I want a pool within walking distance and large open areas inside for family and creativity. Big windows and sunshine.
I don't think my wish list is possible, but there it is. I do not want a tiny claustrophobic old-folks place that feels like an apartment. Small is not bad, but it must be open and feel spacious. I want Grandma and Grandpa's house to be inviting and comfortable, not a place you sit on a couch and watch the clock until it is time to go."

This morning I am sitting in an amazing 9-year-old home that far exceeds my wish list. MY swimming pool is definitely within walking distance because it is in my backyard! The main rooms are large and spacious and I can't wait to have a crowd of people here to enjoy it. Our new home is the total opposite of a tiny claustrophobic granny apartment. 

Our only compromises are that the inside is not sunshiny and Hubs does have to do a LITTLE bit of trimming to keep the yard nice. But the mowing is so tiny compared to our corner lot in CA. I do miss a sun-filled kitchen in the morning....but that is easily solved by taking my coffee cup out to the backyard and getting some sun as I look at the pool and the forest of trees behind our house. It is all good, my dears, all good! 

To those that are happy for our new circumstances and say that I deserve it, I might nod, but... no. I may mumble something about God being good. But He was good back when we were on food stamps for nearly a year, two years ago. God was good and loved me even when I scribbled this in my journal...

"I am in the worst and longest depression ever in my life. I can't see why we even live. I have no life basically. I am too chicken to get a job and help Hubs keep our home, all our friends have moved away. The kids do not need me. Gonna have to get rid of the stupid dog because we are not active enough for her. I am 30 pounds overweight and feel awful all the time. 
I hate this life! It is empty, hollow and have no clue how to reach God. I can conjure Him up if I try hard, but He doesn't stay. A good friend is actually giving me a monthly money gift and still I am miserable. It is not about the money, it's about having a reason to get up in the morning. Feel like a such a spoiled brat." August 2012

I honestly have no clue why I have been blessed in this way today. You may be in a home you hate and a town you cannot wait to leave. You are serving God, being kind to those around you and working hard to just survive. You may feel like you are in a deep dark hole with no escape route that you can see. I know that place and it is awful. 

I can say that God is still good. I will not say that He has placed you in that situation to refine you or make you into a better christian. I don't think He works like that. Yes, He CAN and may USE the circumstance to make you stronger, but I believe it hurts His heart to watch His children suffer. 

God does not hurt you to help you. 

But God will help you when you are hurting. 

A blog entry two months after the August depression entry...

"Father - I ran back to you today...back to your open arms and your indulgent gentle smile. You KNOW me. You have watched and listened and you DO care about my life, my heart and my hurts. In my blog this month I have been intentionally going after JOY because I feared that it was gone forever. 
It was so hard at first. How can I write about JOY every day when it feels so far away? But soon my spirit caught up with my words and it became real in me once more! 
I NEED You. Not self-talk and mind games....YOU. I am dependent upon You Father. In the depths of my grieving and sorrow and depression, I thought about wishing I could just die and be done with it all. But these last few weeks have been a total turn around from that kind of thinking.
We are still lonely and have no clue what to do next or where to move, but a sense of hope is rising and with the hope came a sense of YOU near us. My dear friend Dawn sent me the devotional "Jesus Calling" and it is sweetly helping me and challenging me each day. Thank you Father for these words from you. I am clinging to them for my life!" October 2012

My friend, as you read this, I hope that it begins to chip away at the tough or negative place that your heart and thoughts may be lingering. God is good whether we "get" Him or not. I still believe with all of my heart that He hurts when we hurt. That today as He watches what the world is doing to itself in so many horrible situations, His heart is torn and full of pain. (I will not try to answer the "Then why doesn't He just FIX it" question. It is too big for this blog.)

I had given up on the idea of living in a "dream house". I honestly was content to downsize at this stage in my life. I was not grumbly about it because it made sense. I am a practical person, married to a practical man. BUT for some, still unknown reason I am sitting in a much larger home with a gorgeous pool and trickling waterfall in the backyard, behind our brick home is a thick forest of trees and a creek. And it cost less than our former, smaller house. It makes no sense at all. No sense at all!

But I am not going to argue about it! If it is a gift from God, I will not turn it down. If it is just a quirk of the economy in different states, fine by me. I do not feel any obligation to make it make sense. I don't feel like this blessing requires me to "use it for God's glory" in order to deserve this bounty. There are no strings attached. I am going to bask in this surprising gift and enjoy this new life we have stumbled into. 

God is good. Fact. 

A few BEFORE pics while moving in.

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  1. It sure looks wonderful from here! Praise God from Whom ALL blessings flow! He saw you when you were at your lowest and darkest moment in life, and He cared for you then and lifted you up out of the miry clay and set your feet on the Rock to stay. And then He brought you to this new and marvelous place because He loves you, that's why! There are no strings attached, but you will soon be using your home for His honor and glory (you already are, right here on this blog) not because He requires that of you, but because you will want to do that out of a heart filled with joy and thanksgiving. This blog today showed me somethings that I did not fully realize about you in 2012, but yet God was using you to bring joy and cheer to my life even during your darkest times. Amazing Grace... This was beautiful today. Thank you.

    1. Because He loves me. It always comes back to that doesn't it Pam? God loves us in the dark times and in the sunshiny times.

  2. Oh my heart is so satisfied with this post. With this journey with you, even since we found each other online! Oh the waiting to see His faithfulness played out is so much less than the time it takes for us to trust Him, right? He is faithful, yet we are so thick...and yet, as you said, He is orchestrating good for us- in ways we can't imagine. I am so happy for you. This is such a beautiful place, Susie, and now a grandbaby, and family close - Oh, for such a time as THIS- He has led you right here. Drink in the cool water, enjoy it all. Fact - God is good. You are so right...oh , how He still loves us as we wallow and sulk and pout. I am describing myself here!! Rejoicing with you...can't wait to see Texas! ;) Layla nad hubs look so happy, too! Love to all!

    1. Thick thick thick! Yep we are, and I am so thankful He does not give up on us. Your dark season will not last forever dear Dawn. He hurts with your hurt and longs for peace and harmony for you and yours. I am praying for you.

  3. lovely, Lovely and LOVELY. I love that all the time you were lonely and sad and wondering, THIS was waiting for you. But before THIS you were awakened to HIM and the sweet joy of HIM alone. That's the best treasure. This home, of course, is abundance beyond that which you asked or thought--because you're learning (and teaching all those around you!) the full measure of His love--the height, depth, width and breadth of it. And you're a pleasing aroma of that love. I rejoice with you (and would love a dip in that VERY inviting blue pool)!

    1. Yes, this home is abundance beyond what I asked or thought, for sure! Thank you for reminding me (us) of the passage about the measure of His love. So good and so true.

  4. Learning to trust in those deep deep deep places can be so hard. And so so good. We cross paths often on FB as we share friends. I am enjoying your journey and find myself of many of the same paths. Blessings!
    Beckie McCord

  5. The new house, with all th interesting backdrops for pictures of Layla is indeed delightful. We have a larger yard than I would have preferred, but I am learning to manage it.

    Blessings and Bear hugs, Susie!

    1. Big bears require big yards, right! Blessings back to you!

  6. Great Is His Faithfulness. He gives us "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow." You new home looks nice. I praise the Lord with you.

    1. Thanks for giving thanks along with me Cecelia. Bless you.


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