Friday, June 12, 2015

Limping Butterfly

Apparently the Red Wasps may think this is a hornets nest
and decide to build elsewhere. (It's a paper bag I put up there.)
We'll see. Ugly & I don't care.

Ok y'all, yes I said "Y'all", I went to bed last night feeling guilty for posting so many negative status updates on Facebook about Texas since our move. Of course, I have also been pretty upbeat because I love my new house and am still in love with my swimming pool. My FB updates have not been with a negative attitude, they were mostly to be funny as I navigate this new world I am finding myself in. 


But quite honestly, between confusing & aggressive freeways, Red Wasps, Fire Ants, snakes, floods  and tornado warnings, there has been a bountiful supply of things to grumble about as a transplant from California. 

So this morning I was determined to wax poetic about our magical and mystical Fireflies which I adore. We get to watch them from our back porch and I jump with happiness and excitement every time I see that sweet little flicker of light in the darkness around our trees. You almost wonder if you imagined it...and then, there it is again! 

But my poetic waxing was once again interrupted by frantic barking from Layla. This time she found a snake only 3 feet from me and my bare feet on the porch. Thankfully it was on the other side of the screen and trying to get to a large hole in the screen and onto MY area. After her last bad encounter Layla only barked at it, she knew not to get too close. Curt got rid of it for us and everyone is fine. 

Fire Ants in my pool.

No, we are not fine at all though. I am not fine. I went inside and found an email from my neighbor saying that a neighbor two doors down from me killed a 5 foot venomous Water Moccasin last week! You guys! I have battled fear all of my life...and I thought that I had won some pretty big fear battles. But here I am again. Hello God, what's the deal? Seriously. 

One problem with having a specific fear is that you cannot win. If I am afraid of driving on the chaotic 6 lane freeway or I'm afraid of stepping on a snake, I have to alter my life so those things cannot happen. If I try to prove that the bad thing could happen, the ONLY way to prove it is for it TO HAPPEN. See? If I successfully navigate the freeway system and do not cause a crash, then I am proving that the fear was silly and wrong. But if I die on the freeway I will prove that the fear was JUSTIFIED. See? Cannot win. It's a no win-no win all the way around. 

People, these are not the streets around my home, these are all Freeways!!!
I'm in the middle of what the news calls "The Mixmaster"!!

Now I know that these are all very TINY problems in the world wide view. How dare this woman complain about a snake in her yard when so much that is so horrible is happening out there in the world. But fear is fear. It freezes us up and shrinks our world. My world is shrinking due to my fear of these crazy freeways. 

I do not want to live like this. Sheesh you guys, I am writing a book about how much God loves us and how He showed me how to escape my rigid cocoon and find my wings! I am not seeing that bold butterfly today. Today the butterfly is cowering in her living room afraid of her own back porch! 

I'd planned to wax poetic about the fireflies for you. It seemed wrong to use my blog to complain, it is supposed to be a place of encouragement and an example of ....something, I don't know...something good and strong and full of faith right? 

But when I write, the truth comes out. In one way or another. I can smile at you in person and tell you all is well. But when I write...I am truthful. Even when it's ugly and confused and wondering how in the world am I going to end this post. 

I will end it with this sweet Baboo peering at you from over my shoulder. I want this little grandson of mine to know his grandma as a brave and kind woman. I want to conquer these silly fears so that I do not become an old odd recluse who is afraid to come outside her door. He is worth it. We moved here for two reasons, economy and family. This little guy will make me brave enough to get on the road...some day. 

For today, I am the limping butterfly. 


For all my friends and family that have never ventured to Dallas, Daalis, or Dallus, here is an aerial view of one of...
Posted by Rebecca Gray on Wednesday, May 21, 2014
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  1. Snakes are a deal breaker. A free pass. You can post anything you want!

  2. Okay, I will start over. I wrote something that I thought would be good, but apparently not, because when I hit publish, it disappeared. So I will start over. I can only say that I am praying for you to be comforted...and to know that God is with you always. He will not fail you. Just keep your eyes focused on Him...and He will help you to stay 'afloat'. My prayer is that God will fill your heart with so much joy that the fears will soon fade away. One step at a day at a time. God is with you. Always.

    1. Thanks Pam I like that. I am a strong believer in the displacement theory, where one emotion or action can fill you up so much that there is no longer any room for the negative emotion. Here's to "so much joy that the fears will soon fade away." Thank you for the reminder Pam.

  3. Bravery only happens in the presence of fear! You are brave, sister, in Christ. Your faith sets you free. Your transparency isn't complaining, it's being vulnerable and allowing others to see that this Faith Walk isn't for those who are self-assured, it is for those who believe in the One who loves us wildly and walks beside us. Keep on, sister! You are promised victory and others are inspired by your words!

    1. Christi, your words are like a soothing balm, thank you.

  4. Susie: Let's see, this is your blog. If you have an issue, it's your choice to share it with your followers or not. In other words, it's all right to vent here.

    1. Thanks Celeste. I do want this blog to be an uplifting place though. But i agree, a little venting is fine.

  5. I'm lifting my cup to your honesty and transparency! When I saw the first picture on this post, I thought it WAS a wasps' nest, and I'm terrified of wasps, bees, hornets, etc. Allergies do such things. I'd probably scream at water moccasins, too. I love that you're writing your way to joy from the top of the post to the bottom. It's exactly what we always do, isn't it? Write our way back to health by naming them and, therefore giving those fears less power. It's the things we don't dare write that are more likely to strangle us in the night. So I lift my cup to you, and know you know the love of God is an ongoing process of casting away your fears, doubts, and everything else. Not once for all, since we live chronologically, but each moment. A buzzing bee in my room right now reminds me that I'm not simply saying words to you that I can't face myself. To our fears, and to Him who loves us through them!

    1. That's true, the writing and posting of this blog helped me a great deal. The stuff is still there but it is cathartic to share it for some reason.


All comments are good comments!

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