Thursday, July 21, 2016

Authentic About Fear of Being Authentic





Want authenticity? Here is mine. I am thinking that I may be done with blogging. It is just too scary out there. The internet has become a mean and frightening place. I have struggled to write since getting my book published. 

Every time I jot down a fun or challenging or uplifting post idea, the second guessing begins. Who could be offended by this? Who might take my words wrong accidentally? Who might take my words and twist them on purpose? No one is safe. If people are being mean and rude to the Chewbacca Mom of all people, then who in the world is safe??

Famous? Well known, popular? I used to think it would be great. Now it is a negative and dangerous place to desire. As I type these words, I am thinking that you may be thinking I am big headed to even worry about such a possibility. 

See?

I still enjoy the writing process. I love switching this word for that word. I can get lost in exploring an entirely new way to say something. I have ideas. I will always fill journals, but have even begun wondering how to destroy that authenticity before I die. 

I have thoughts, worries and fears that cannot be shared. And when I know that, it makes it difficult for me to write anything. Why add more drivel to the mess already floating around out there? 

Every word I wrote in my book is true. It is not drivel. God showed me wonderful truths about Himself and about myself. But I have learned that you can conquer one or two important obstacles in your life and still be a mess. You can still be afraid. You can still be very aware that you are not an expert about anything. I told my husband the other day that I think I need to read my own book again. 

I have loved the Internet. I have been seriously addicted to Facebook and Instagram. Seriously. But they no longer feel safe for my heart. You never know when some unknown person is going to be "called out" online for a few words they have posted. Jobs, lives, marriages and health have been damaged for a few stupid word choices. 

I'm not leaving FB or Instagram or Twitter or..... Don't even know how to do that. I don't. 

So I'm in a pickle. Right? 

I am thinking/writing out loud here. Probably not a good idea. But when I feel stuck this is how I get unstuck. Writing out loud. 

You do not need an answer for me. I am not asking for help. But I am just being authentic about being afraid to be authentic. 
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18 comments:

  1. I will miss your blog posts, and am not sure if you have decided to stop blogging, or are still thinking about it. I am sending you my best wishes, from a fellow author.

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  2. In this divisive and corrosive political season, kindness in any area on any subject is hard to come by - especially if we want to talk about the "Big Two" (religion or politics). Lots of pearl-clutching Pharisees in the blogosphere. That said, reasonable and Christlike voices are of greater value now than ever. Pray, read and follow the Father's lead. More than likely, He is using this season to prepare you for something where your "voice" will matter more than ever! Don't rush it. He will prompt you in His time.

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    1. Your words bring tears. This may be what is happening in me, I will be listening. Thank you, I knew you would understand this struggle.

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    2. I second that! Wise words.

      Also, think of Nehemiah building the wall. People were saying all kinds of things to distract or STOP him. But God told him to keep building, keep working, don't stop. The people told him it was impossible to do what he wanted, but Nehemiah built the wall ariund Jerusalem in 52 days.

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  3. Susie: We have to remember Ephesians 6:12 tells us "__ our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." We can't let the enemy win. We have read the last chapter and God wins.

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    1. I would rather read good authentic blog posts than some that might lead me astray.

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    2. Thanks for your comment. You are a faithful reader!

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  4. I LOVE your blog posts!! I follow a variety of bloggers, when your posts come up, yours is the first I go to! You are real and down to earth...you have touched my heart and soul with your sharing. If you leave blogging, You will be missed mightily! Prayers for you.

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    1. Really Kathy? That means a lot to me. This is interesting to be getting comments from those I did not know where reading. It is very encouraging!

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    2. I commented yesterday here to say, good call Kathy- Susie's is the first posts I go to as well...although I have been reading less on line as of late.

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  5. Yikes! Blogland w/o Susie? I cringe and frown at the very thought of it. You have been here for me from my beginning days in blogland and even facebook. You have been such an inspiration to me in SO MANY WAYS. I CAN'T. EVEN. IMAGINE. BEING HERE WITHOUT YOU! I know we both need seasons of rest and time away from the writing drills here...we need time to refresh, restore, be renewed. And I have toyed with these same thoughts as you. But when it comes right down to it I don't know what my life would look like at this point without this outlet and window into the rest of the world. You have been a key to unlocking doors within my heart...helping me to become more authentic, realizing that there are others out there who have had such similar histories, dreams, joys, sorrows. Kindred spirits in many ways. I don't know, Susie. I guess I'm not ready to sever this tie...and it would be like that because what other avenue would we have to communicate that is as free and pleasant as this? Please pray about this, and realize that there are so many people out here who still need to know that God loves them just the way they are. There are so many walking butterflies who need to know what God taught you. Sorry to put this back on you like this...but I am being selfish, I know...I'm just not ready to let you disappear like that!!! Wow...is that laying it on thick, or what? You know I truly want what is right for you, and I'll be praying for you, sweet friend.

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    1. Wow Pam, your words mean a lot to me, thank you so much! Just this morning I received an amazing letter from a reader I've never met or heard from. It helped me see that my presence here is helping people and that I would be missed if I quit. I am not leaving and I am going to try to get back to the place of joy I used to feel when I blogged. Thanks for always holding me up when i waver!

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  6. The world would be a weaker place without you sharing your writing. You are a small stick in a large bundle of sticks. It's easy to break one stick; it's not so easy to break a large bundle of sticks! If you remove yourself from the bundle you make it weaker. The unauthentic of the world are still a minority. Keep writing, don't let them become the majority. You have a bigger voice than their criticisms. Please don't silence your voice, it needs to be heard; people ARE listening.

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    1. Thank you Gary! And thanks for reading! The feedback from my confession has meant a lot to me and I am not going to stop writing or blogging. Your encouragement is valuable, thank you for taking the time.

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All comments are good comments!

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