It is my Writing Wednesday and I am sitting here feeling a bit freaked out at something I just read! Seriously, I am taking deep breaths and talking to God about my pounding heart. A few posts ago I announced to my readers that I had A Brilliant Idea (read by clicking on Brilliant Idea) and this morning I was going to use that great idea as a warm-up writing exercise before working on an article outline that played over and over in my head as I slept last night.

So a few minutes ago I closed my eyes and reached into oneĀ of my journal baskets and grabbed my journal from when my first son was a toddler. And according to my self imposed rule I opened it in the middle and read a random page so that I could write about whatever was going through my head and heart at that point in my life.

I will not subject you to the entire three page entry but it begins like this……..

Oct. 8, 1985
Dear Father, Please forgive me for being so thick-headed. These last few weeks I’ve been so confused about your call on my life. Being a pastor’s wife is a large part of the confusion because now I have the power to do instead of just think and talk about what I’d like to see in our church.

The journal entry then goes on to describe 5 different areas of church ministry that I was involved in or leading and in addition to my stuff, I tell God about how I also worry about all of Hub’s duties and if he has time to do them all correctly! Then…..

It’s TOO MUCH!! I haven’t slept well in weeks. I lie there just thinking…..my mind jumping from one area to the next! I decided that some of this may be a 30 year old’s identity crisis, but I was determined to find the answer. I felt that if God would tell me WHERE to put all this energy, I’d be much happier and more satisfied with my life.

A couple nights ago I could not sleep again so I asked you once again to please tell me what to do. I was confusing my poor husband and not being a happy mommy for my son because I was getting so depressed and overwhelmed.

I then describe the dream I had that night that revealed my true motive for ministry was to be needed, and The Father showed me that my first and most important place of being needed was at home with my little family. That everything else is secondary to that. The home felt like a hidden and unimportant job to me at that time.

I asked God for help in choosing where to put my time and energy as a pastor’s wife and mom. There was so much that needed doing and I felt responsible for ALL OF IT! There are very few other jobs out there that require the spouse to be as highly involved as the actual person holding the job. So I was asking God for help in discerning my place.

The next words in my journal were……….

Please forgive me Father for my stubbornness, and now I ask that you help me be the very best homemaker, wife and mom that I can be! Please help me figure out how to be a pastors wife in a way that pleases you. And if I can’t find a book that will give me creative ideas and encouragement, then some day I’ll use this journal to write my own book!

What? I do not remember ever thinking that I could write a book. I loved the idea of a newspaper column like Erma Bombeck, but not a book author. Now, here I am pursuing what I thought was a NEW DREAM; a dream of writing a book for ministry women. (Not just PW’s, but all Christian women who want to serve God and others in their daily life.)

Thank you Father for waking up an old dream, given by You. Thank you for using my very own prophetic words to encourage myself 25 years later! You blow me away Father!